Have you ever asked someone a question and been met with silence… or worse, defensiveness? You’re not alone. The way we ask questions has a huge impact on the tone, direction, and outcome of a conversation — and there’s one small change that can make a surprisingly big difference:
Start more of your questions with “what.”
Yes, just what.
It’s simple, subtle, and remarkably effective.
Why “What” Works
When we’re trying to connect with someone — whether it's a colleague, a client, a partner or a friend — we often rush to understand why they did something. But “why” can feel like an interrogation, even when it’s meant with genuine curiosity.
Compare these two questions:
- “Why did you do that?”
- “What was going on for you at the time?”
Both aim to understand someone’s motivation, but one feels like a challenge, while the other feels like an invitation.
Here’s why “what” questions can help us communicate with more empathy, curiosity, and clarity:
1. They invite reflection, not reaction
“What” encourages people to pause and consider their experience, rather than feel they need to defend it. A question like “What mattered most to you in that moment?” gives someone space to think and share honestly.
2. They open the door to meaningful dialogue
Instead of shutting things down with a yes/no response, “what” questions open things up. They’re inherently expansive. Try asking:
- “What are you hoping for?”
- “What would make this easier?”
- “What’s been on your mind lately?”
These questions invite stories, insights, and connection.
3. They reduce defensiveness
A gentle “what” can lower the emotional temperature in difficult conversations. For example, “What were you hoping I would understand?” sounds much more supportive than “Why didn’t you tell me?”
4. They help move things forward
Instead of getting stuck in past mistakes or misunderstandings, “what” questions help us pivot toward solutions and next steps. Think:
- “What could we do differently next time?”
- “What’s one small step we could take?”
This kind of forward-focused language builds confidence and momentum.
5. They show curiosity — not judgement
At the heart of every great conversation is curiosity. When we lead with “what,” we’re saying: I want to understand. I care about your experience. I’m listening.
The Takeaway
Next time you’re in a tricky conversation, or even just trying to connect more meaningfully, try this simple shift: replace your “why” with “what.”
It’s a small change in language, but it can create a big change in connection.
So…
What kind of conversations do you want to have?