Feedback from our Confident Conversations Workshops consistently reminds us just how powerful getting curious is – especially in triggering or emotional situations. Research tells us that this skill has been linked with psychological, emotional, social, and even health benefits. So, let’s talk about curiosity and how it may benefit you in the workplace.
If we find ourselves in an uncomfortable situation or someone simply ‘rubs us up the wrong way’ we instinctively slip into fight or flight, or perhaps freeze. In fact, you can go from zero to boiling in seconds. This is the result of what is known as the ‘amygdala highjack’. The amygdala is the part of our brain which controls emotions. Early humans developed a fight-or-flight response to deal with threats and dangers. This is an automatic response to danger, and it allows people to react quickly, without the need to stop and think. Most often if this reaction happens in a work environment you are not in a life-threatening situation. A bit of thinking will go a long way towards getting you out of ‘hot water.’
So how do we get our nervous system to calm down? We need to disrupt the pattern so that we don’t slip into unproductive behaviours. Typically, these can be avoidance or attack and they tend to make the situation worse. Simply taking a breath or internally asking yourself a question should give you enough time to return to a more rational state. Counting to six is also a good strategy to help calm the initial response and return to a more rational thought pattern.
At this juncture curiosity becomes a superpower! When we are curious we become better able to understand those with lives, experiences, and worldviews different than our own. It acts as a powerful bridge and can be the first step towards resolving an issue.
Curiosity at work
We were delighted to hear from one of our recent workshop attendees about how he applied his learnings with a colleague who had been interfering in an important decision. The team member was being quite obstructive, and he could feel himself becoming defensive. By taking a deep breath and deciding to be curious rather than furious he was gratified with the result. In asking this person about their perspective on the matter they were able to explore the problem together and they achieved an ideal outcome for everyone. Instead of telling his colleague what he thought about their interference, he decided to be inquisitive. This defused the situation very effectively and everyone felt empowered and involved in the decision-making process.
The great thing about curiosity is that you almost always learn something new. Curiosity helps us survive. It allows us to gain knowledge about our constantly changing environment. This may be why our brains have evolved to release dopamine and other feel-good chemicals when we encounter new things.
When confronted with a difficult conversation it is not uncommon for people to practise either avoidance or attack. The problem with avoidance is that we may temporarily defuse a situation, but we will continue to see the situation through the same lens. We also know that straight out attacking generally leads to more conflict which may lead to resentment or disapproval. Either way, the result plays out in what you say or how you behave towards the other person. Consciously or unconsciously, you may decide to annoy them back, ignore them or make snide comments. Whatever shows up in how you behave will potentially do more damage.
Keeping an open curious mind in a difficult conversation will help you move the situation forward and you may just see the other person in a different light. Next time you feel yourself slipping into fight or flight because someone is opposing your views, giving you corrective feedback or even just having a go at something you’ve done, take a deep breath and get curious. Ask questions to learn more about their reaction or perspective. You may learn something important that will take you in a better direction.